Arguing isn’t always pleasant. Chances are, you’ve found yourself in arguments and left frustrated, hurt or angry- leaving you thinking twice about your next bout of words or disagreement.

However, arguing isn’t always bad… Yes, we may find it uncomfortable and unpleasant, but it’s necessary, especially if we want to be in control of our life, our decisions and our own thoughts.

Actually, according to behavioural psychologists and relationship experts, arguing is not inherently unhealthy and can, in fact, be a necessary part of healthy, long-lasting relationships.

Arguing can teach important skills about compromise and communication; it can help us see other perspectives, learn new things and grow. Disagreements are a core part of our lives, and it’s important that we learn how to navigate disagreements healthily- without burning bridges or damaging relationships along the way.

So… Why Argue? Let’s reframe it. Why walk through life never expressing how you really feel? Why not fight for what you believe in? Why miss out on the promotion because you were too scared to give your thoughts or opinion? Why damage relationships because you’re afraid you may hurt others’ feelings?

Maybe it’s not always an argument per se, but disagreements are necessary- they help make us and push us and those around us to be better, learn more, grow and strengthen each other.

(*Disclaimer*- All ‘good’ things are good only in proportion. Arguing/disagreeing is no different.)

I’m no scientist, so I’ll try break down what happens to us when we argue or disagree, bear with me!

So, the amygdala- the part of your brain responsible for processing fear and threat- begins to ring alarm bells when someone challenges us, our beliefs or raises their voice… It treats these actions as a threat. To our status, identity or control? Who knows!

This can shift us into defence mode- we become more reactive, and we prioritise winning over understanding!

We then have the prefrontal cortex- the part of the brain responsible for reasoning, logic and decision making. It’s what we rely on to make strong arguments… Slightly important in this context!

Under stress, the prefrontal cortex becomes less effective. As we get more emotional, our logical thinking becomes weaker. We’re more likely to act impulsively, say things we normally wouldn’t and interrupt, lie or exaggerate. Sound familiar?

Now, this is around about when the body joins the argument. When the brain detects conflict, the body activates its fight-or-flight response. Heart rates increase, muscles tense up (especially jaws, shoulders and hands), breathing becomes faster, and stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline are released.

We then experience cognitive narrowing. This is when we experience stress, our thinking becomes narrower. This results in us only focusing on our point, making us ignore alternate views and repeating arguments, instead of listening and adapting.

Hopefully, my brief science lesson helps clear up the fact that it doesn’t take a genius amongst us to figure out why arguments and disagreements are mostly unproductive and can escalate so quickly…

Science aside, onto the bit we’re all actually interested in…

1- KEEP CALM - As we learned earlier, if we can somehow remain calm when conflict strikes, then we’re instantly better positioned in a disagreement. Take deeper breaths, we’ll be more logical, composed and stand a better chance at actually taking something or learning from the disagreement. Compromise or resolution can quickly take place.

Regardless if the other person is raising their voice or being confrontational, remain calm. As humans, we mirror emotional states: tone of voice, facial expressions and energy levels. If we remain controlled, they begin to settle.

But, arguably, just as important- composure signals confidence!

2- CLARITY & SIMPLICITY- The brain prefers what it can easily process. We’re biased towards simplicity (Especially in the age of social media and short-form content). Ideas need to be easy to follow, clearly structured and quickly understood.

People assume that more arguments and increased complexity result in stronger arguments. This is never the case. Research shows the opposite is true- focus on one or two ideas at a time, then move on to the next. Follow a structure: What you are saying, why it’s true and why it matters.

KEEP IT SIMPLE STUPID (KISS). We’re in control of what we say, how we say it and how it’s received- take advantage of this.

3- ANTICIPATE, DON’T REACT- When we react, it puts us one step behind and shows we’re not leading the argument but following along; it shows a lack of forethought for what we’re arguing for.

This is where the magic of anticipating comes in! It can flip the dynamic of the argument. Instead of waiting for objections, we tackle them head-on. Bring up and acknowledge weaknesses of your argument early on, address counterpoints and define what you are and are not talking about.

This signals confidence in what you have to say, willingness to engage fairly and allows you control over the topic of discussion. Anticipating slows the argument down, avoiding escalations and rapid exchanges.

4- MAKE THE OTHER PERSON SMARTER- We might not think we have an ego, but we do, and when someone takes a position, they’re attaching it to their beliefs, experience and abilities. The faster you threaten someone’s ego, the faster they stop listening and the faster you reach an impasse.

The easiest way to keep an argument productive is by acknowledging what is reasonable in the other person’s position. Validation lowers defences- “that part makes sense”, “you’re right when you say…” This signals that you’re listening and trying to be fair.

Never start with “No”, try to start with “Yeah, but…” or “I understand, but…” This immediately puts their guard down and allows for dialogue.

5- GUIDE, DON’T CORNER- Ever heard the saying- “people will do more with their bad idea, than with your good idea”? Confrontation often creates resistance, so instead, try to guide the conversation: ask questions, build from shared ground and let them arrive at parts of the conclusion themselves.

Instead of feeling like they’ve lost an argument, they feel like you’ve both come to a shared conclusion or refined their own thinking.

Whilst this isn’t an exact science for having better arguments or guaranteeing success when debating, these steps certainly provide a solid framework for constructive disagreements and make way for meaningful compromise in a world that desperately needs it.

Now, whilst we all want to ‘win’ every argument, I think it’s important to reframe disagreements as opportunities to challenge our own views and opinions, allowing room to grow.

Yes, arguments are inevitable in our lives; however, if we master how to constructively disagree with others, the outcomes for everyone will be improved. We need good arguments to create clarity, shared understanding and peace. Opposed to the toxicity that comes with bad arguments.

Imagine how much more peaceful families, countries and communities would be if we all mastered how to communicate with each other. What would be different in your life?

All in all, bad arguments create bad outcomes; good arguments create better outcomes. We decide the outcomes through our inputs. The next time you argue, make sure it’s a good one!